A week ago, at the exact same time I now write these words, I paid $6 to see Elisha Cuthbert (24) in Roland Joffe’s CAPTIVITY. It has taken me more than a week to write about this movie. I still feel I should wait, at least, another week. Because it hurts. Like no other movie has hurt before. Okay, I’m being a little over-dramatic here, I confess. But CAPTIVITY will definitely be one of the top five films that will suck dog dicks in hell to the left of Satan’s throne every day for eternity.

Most of the time, I refuse to watch previews for movies. They give so much away and visually ruin a film I may have found interesting had I read a synopsis. CAPTIVITY was being touted as another entry into the press-invented “torture porn” genre, which necessarily didn’t peak my interest. What made me want to see this particular picture was its author: Larry Cohen. I didn’t watch the preview for this reason.

I’ll spare you the Larry Cohen fan-boy gushing but let’s sample this man’s filmography:

Directed by Larry Cohen: IT”S ALIVE, Q THE WINGED SERPENT, BLACK CAESAR, HELL UP IN HARLEM, GOD TOLD ME TO, THE STUFF, THE AMBULANCE, ORIGINAL GANGSTERS, PICK ME UP

Written by Larry Cohen: MANIAC COP, UNCLE SAM, PHONE BOOTH, CELLULAR

Larry Cohen, Larry Cohen, Larry Cohen. He rules. An American Original. A National Treasure. One of my favorite scenes of all time is in his RETURN TO SALEM”S LOT (1987). Two hobos are getting drunk and little weird eyed vampire girls come up to them.

HOBO 1: Look at their eyes. They’re distorted.

HOBO 2: They’re not distorted. They’re retarded!

That shit kills me every time.

So, he gets story and co-screenplay credit on CAPTIVITY. In the final product, there is one scene that resembles a Larry Cohen creation. The rest of the movie is garbage. The other screenplay credit goes to Joseph Tura, who, according to the IMDB, has no credits for any other movie, period. Apparently his life long dream of fucking up a Larry Cohen story has been fully realized. Truth be told, it’s a pseudonym, because Larry Cohen fans don’t forget, and we definitely don’t forgive. Watch your ass, Tura. Oh, Jesus Christ In Heaven, how I wished I watched the preview.

The story? Model gets drugged, kidnapped and psychologically tortured. It’s not even that grotesque, a real pisser since the stakes have been raised on what is permissible in horror flicks right now. I heard a lot was re-shot and most likely was, especially the first 40 to 50 minutes. During that time, Cuthbert is menaced repeatedly on a SAW-like cage set in the most boring way possible. Saying it was me being tortured is cheap, but it’s true. It’s so painfully true.

Roland Joffe, director of Academy Award Winner THE KILLING FIELDS (1985) and THE MISSION (1986) must be nearing the end of his career or recently filed for bankruptcy. I can’t say I’m a big fan of his work, but I’ve seen the two films mentioned above and in no way does CAPTIVITY even remotely look like a man who’s been invited to the Oscars. In fact, not knowing Joffe had directed it, I’d think the director a 24 year old American Film School Graduate who’s been directing rap videos for the last few years and finally got his big break.

Pruitt Taylor Vince (HEAVY, BEAUTIFUL GIRLS) is about the only notable actor here, running circles around Cuthbert and Daniel Gilles (SPIDERMAN 2). Cuthbert is pretty smoking, but after 40 minutes of watching her try in vain to summon multiple emotions, I realized I could have bought a poster of her, stared at that for the same amount of time and gotten more from her non-moving two dimensional photograph than her entire performance in CAPTIVITY.

Daniel Pearl, cinematographer of the original TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, veteran of three Cohen features and Director of Photography on HB Halicki’s THE JUNKMAN, shows about as much experience here as Joffe. I guess creating shitty, generic movies is the way to go for every one in Hollywood.

I’m really starting to hate movies more everyday. Especially when Larry Cohen isn’t given a chance to direct his own material and has it butchered by a bunch of Tinseltown chum suckers.

When your movie makes me rethink my opinion of HOSTEL: PART II, it’s time to get out of the game.

Except Larry Cohen. I know it isn’t your fault, Larry.

Larry Cohen, Larry Cohen, Larry Cohen.

There. I am cleansed.

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