Welcome again everyone to another match up here in the squared circle! We've seen some exciting matches here, ladies and gentlemen, but I think we're in for something special tonight!

As special Celebrity Guest Referee tonight, we have the one and only Soccer Star Mia Hamm! And as Card Girl, fresh from her gig as a Carnival Cruise ships......stewardess? Is that what they're called? Anyway, it's the Carnival Cruise Ship Girl!

Let's meet our two titans: In this corner, weighing in at 600 lbs plus or minus oxygen, is Olde Tyme "Holy" Diver! And in this corner, striking quite a dramatic pose in his Patriotic Bird Pantsuit, it's African-American Rock Star Impersonator! And if I'm not mistaken, he's also sporting his navy-colored supple cowhide footwear....

There's the bell, and our Card Girl has signaled Round 1, I think, so let's get it on!

Yeah, these things usually only last one round anyway, but she's cute. Okay, it looks like Holy Diver is wielding some ferocious weapons there in the ring, and Celebrity Referee Soccer Star Mia Hamm is going to go ahead and allow those. He's lunging for AARSI, and OH MY GOD...

Holy Diver has plunged one of his sponge-diving knives (just go with it) into the chest of AARSI!! He's shooting blood all over the ring!! But don't count him out yet folks - AARSI is back on his feet....

...and delivering a huge karate kick to the head of Holy Diver!! This match is out of control!! AARSI has knocked Holy Diver to the ground....

...and AARSI has ripped Holy Diver's air hose free from its tank and is strangling the Holy Diver with it! I believe the Holy Diver has gasped his last breath, folks, and Celebrity Referee Soccer Star Mia Hamm is counting out one...two...three, there's the bell, and African-American Rock Star Impersonator is our winner tonight!! AARSI is celebrating by doing the splits next to the body of his slain foe...

And that's it for us tonight, ladies and gentlemen! Thanks again to our Celebrity Referee Soccer Star Mia Hamm, and also to our lovely Card Girl from Carnival Cruise Ships! Thanks to all of our sponsors, and thank you folks for watching. Be sure to tune in next time for another exciting match!

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