By Eric Matthew Harvey

A secretary in Hollywood that shall remain nameless transcribed the following:

HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER aka HP: Lackey! Get in here!

HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER’S LACKEY aka HPL: Yes sir?

HP: We gotta remake some more movies.

HPL: Haven’t we remade enough?

HP: You can never remake enough. Especially stuff from the 70’s. That shit was slow and boring

HPL: Some of our greatest movies come from that time period, sir.

HP: What? Are you on crack? The golden age of movies started with TOP GUN. everyone knows that. What year was that? 1992?

HPL: I think it was 1986, sir.

HP: Doesn’t matter. Now look. I was thinking of remaking that shitty DEATH WISH movie.

HPL: DEATH WISH is pretty iconic, sir. A little dated but I wouldn’t call it shitty.

HP: Look, I’ll be the judge of what’s quality and what ain’t. I didn’t get here making by making crappy movies.

HPL: No sir, it was the public who responded to your crappy movies that got you here.

HP: Exactly. So look, I’m thinking DEATH WISH. Now check out my brilliance. We’re gonna make it with a chick. Now that ain’t ever been done.

HPL: But sir, there was RAPE SQUAD in ‘74, SUDDEN DEATH in ‘85, SAVAGE STREETS in ‘84 with Linda Blair and even THEY CALL HER ONE EYE from ‘74 with Christina Lindberg. Where do you think Tarantino got Daryl Hannah’s look from in KILL BILL?

HP: Lindberg? She related to that dead baby?

HPL: She’s Swedish, sir.

HP: So? Charles Lindberg was trans-continental, man. Keep up with me.

HPL: Yes sir.

HP: So I wanna make DEATH WISH with a chick, but with class. Not like that B-grade garbage you’re talking about.

HPL: Well, are we setting it in New York?

HP: New York? Why the hell would we set it in New York?

HPL: Because that’s where the original is set.

HP: Oh, well….New York isn’t that dangerous anymore.

HPL: Well, we can have her character mention that somewhere in the script.

HP: Great. What else?

HPL: Well, there was a cop chasing Bronson around in the original. We can have the same here…but this time, there’s sexual tension.

HP: Is the cop a girl? I like the lesbos.

HPL: Well, sir, lesbians don’t really sell that well.

HP: Nobody thought those gay cowboys we’re gonna rack up the dough.

HPL: Sir, we’re already moving in a dangerous direction by “classing” up DEATH WISH.

HP: Yeah, maybe you’re right.

HPL: I’m thinking of Jodie Foster for the vigilante.

HP: I though you said no gay stuff.

HPL: I don’t think Jodie Foster’s gay, sir. A little…manly in some ways, but I think that’s just what we need. This is a role famous for Charles Bronson.

HP: I was thinking Dakota Fanning.

HPL: That’s weird, sir. Besides, you want class? Jodie Foster guarantees class.

HP: Good thinking. Think she’ll show tit? Maybe a little butt?

HPL: Absolutely.

HP: Great. Who’s the cop?

HPL: I’m thinking Terrence Howard.

HP: The black guy?

HPL: Um…yeah. He’s a really good actor. Brings a needed intensity and vulnerability.

HP: But he’s black.

HPL: I don’t follow.

HP: Black man with gay white woman with a gun. This is going from class to indie. Indie don’t sell no more. Ask Mark Cuban.

HPL: Sir, we got Neil Jordan under contract. Terrence Howard, Jodie Foster, Neil Jordan bringing a so-called fascist work of art kicking and screaming into the 21sst century. I smell Oscar. And I don’t think Jodie Foster’s gay.

HP: I like the smell of Oscar. How else do we class it up?

HPL: Make Foster very self-involved. Have her dismissive of people but not a jerk. The self-involvement has to lead to the reason she becomes the vigilante.

HP: Well, if she isn’t gay, how about a husband?

HPL: How about a fiancÈ? Older, obvious New York NPR liberal finally settles down. You see where I’m going with this?

HP: No.

HPL: Don’t worry. It’ll be fine. We’ll pretty much follow the DEATH WISH structure. Change it around here in there. But make it real draggy and slow. Nothing more classy than a slow and draggy movie.

HP: But I want the action crowd!

HPL: We’ll cut an action-packed trailer that makes it look like DEATH WISH. A striking visual of Foster with a gun in the ads. We won’t mention the classy stuff we throw in for the critics.

HP: Sounds like a brilliant idea.

HPL: Yes sir.

HP: I’m pretty much a genius, aren’t I?

HPL: Absolutely, sir.

HP: All right. Well, take this recorder out to my secretary to transcribe this and find somebody to write it.

HPL: Yes sir.

HP: Now, if we can only remake JAWS.

END TRANSCRIPT.

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