Review by M.G. Wood

THIS REVIEW IS ONE BIG SPOILER!

(So, Read it, Don’t Read it, I could give a shit!)

Simon, like most kids, has imaginary friends, to play with, and to keep company with. And as with most children with overly-protective parents, Simon is constantly being interrogated about his relationship with said friends.

Simon and his Mother and Father have just moved into an enormous and beautiful seaside estate in Spain. Mother Laura has a history with this house, as it once served as an orphanage, an orphanage in which Laura spent her childhood, The Good Shepard Orphanage.

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Not long after moving in, Mother and son take a walk down to the beach and discover a very cool cave carved into the rock walls that tower over the ocean side. Soon the child dashes away from Mother deep into the dark and mysterious cavern. Mother Laura follows her son’s voice to a shadowy corner deep inside. Simon is speaking in a low, serious whisper to...

Laura quizzes her son. Simon explains these are “new” friends. Laura asks Where? Simon points to a vanishing point deeper in. Laura looks down and sees little footsteps leading down the narrow passage.

A creepy old lady in Coke-bottle glasses arrives one day as a social worker. She claims to be there to help Laura with her son.

So it seems, Laura is keeping a secret from Simon. Simon is very ill. Fatally. With HIV.

Mother and Father throw a big party for their son. Everyone is running about dressed in costumes, playing games, popping balloons.

Mother becomes concerned. She hasn’t seen Simon. A small child the size and build of Simon appears in the crowd of revelers, wearing a frightening handmade mask of burlap. The child dashes away into the house. Mother searches and searches, climaxing in a violent altercation in the bathroom with the masked child.

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Simon has disappeared.

After fruitless searches and police investigations, Laura decides to call in a psychic.

Enter Geraldine Chaplin as Zelda Rubinstein.

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A not-so-merry band of Ghost Hunters, including one rather rotund fellow with a distinct resemblance to Dom DeLuise, set up the equipment: cameras, audio, lights, action. Ms. Chaplin makes contact and scares the living shit out of a fragile Mother.

Soon, all will become clear. As the creepy lady with Coke-bottle glasses re-enters the picture as the most troublesome caretaker since Ms. Pamela Voorhees took parental care just a little too far at Camp Crystal Lake oh so many years ago.

Yes, believe it or not, this classy, glittering, well-produced piece of Gothic cinema from much-heralded film maker Guillermo del Toro takes it’s cues from none other than the classless, poorly produced American masterpiece FRIDAY THE 13th. And that’s not a bad thing. Because, in the end, THE ORPHANAGE delivers, with some truly suspenseful moments and a couple of pretty good shocks.